Sunday, March 3, 2013

Hating on Florida

A potential client came by the shop the other day. Health problems are causing her to have to relocate to Florida, she said.  "Ugh," I grunted, unable to mask my disdain for our neighbor on the other side of the national dish. Would I look at her artwork? Sure.

 She looked at me quizzically. "What's wrong with Florida?" She is moving to Naples. My list of sunshine state turnoffs was too long to articulate so I told her that a broad had dumped me there once , which was true. Now you can be minding your business one minute in Florida and the next thing you know, you're sucked down a sinkhole, never to be seen again.

But there is more.

Gators on the golf course

Burmese pythons that can swallow cows.

Palmetto Bugs
Florida is one of the most racially and religiously  segregated places that I have ever been to. Not just stupid rednecks are we talking about. The real nasty stuff takes place at the county clubs, Palm Beach, the rich riff raff.

Florida was one of the first places that I saw black people living in squalor in this country. There is definitely another side of the tracks there, racially divided communities that largely stay out of each other's way.

Florida is the first (and only?) place that we ever encountered the nude luncheonette phenomenon. I like to eat and naked is always cool, but not a big fan of mixing the two passions.

Something about having to ask the waitress to keep them out of your soup.

In Florida it is very hard to walk on the roadsides without getting nasty thorns in your feet. I don't know what they are called but they suck.

Cuban food ranks right there with Pakistani or Filipino cuisine on my culinary charts.

A lot of shysters seem to end up in Florida, a great place for convicts to hang out and network. Forgeries, cons, schemers, bad art. The native regionalist genre, Highwayman Art is simply the worst, on a par with elvis on black velvet, if you take away the irony parts of course.

Bugs, reptiles, rodents, Bebe Rebozo, chiggers, gnats, ticks, water moccasins, Hulk Hogan, coral snakes, Anita Bryant, skeeters, sweat, rednecks, Carrot Top, dog tracks, swing clubs, cuban sandwiches, Rick Scott, sinkholes, Aileen Wuornos, stickers, old jews, bad art, Pat Boone, nude diners, what have I forgotten? Nice beaches, blue skies and pouring rain every day. Got to love it.


grumpy said...

i love Cuban sandwiches; also the garlic roast pork, with rice, black beans and fried plantains...Pat Boone's "In a Metal Mood" (his take on heavy metal) is one of my fave albums of all time...

Blue Heron said...

Awful album, I posted Smoke on the Water last month. He is a total dork and came to fame by stealing black people's music and not paying royalties.

Mick Jack said...
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