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Michael Evans, painter of light - full frame

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Ruth Sherman Gellman

My wife's mother Ruth passed away yesterday. She was a gallant woman who fought the valiant fight against a terrible disease, multiple sclerosis, for twenty eight years. In the end she succumbed to complications from pneumonia.

Ruth had been in the hospital for the past nine days and in ICU for the last seven. Yesterday, per her wishes, we took her off the ventilator that had kept her alive but in a near vegetative state for the past week.  She died a little after 10:00 last night, in the company of her son Andrew. We had left a few minutes before.

My mother in law was one of the greatest women I have ever met and a major influence on my life. She was a truly beautiful woman, inside and out, and had a keen intellect. My friend Garry Cohen once told me to always look at the mother if you wanted to see how your spouse would eventually look. I saw this gorgeous woman and knew that I was set.

She loved her children, her little dogs and her late husband Marvin. She was an avid bridge player and a very good one. She knew all the conventions and taught her daughter and I the game, although we could never begin to play at her level. She was a competitive woman and a courageous one as well.

Prior to her disabling illness, she had been a distance runner and I am told a good and tenacious tennis player. In Michigan, she delighted in sailing the family sloop with Marvin, her son Andrew J and daughter Leslie.  She loved books and keeping her mind sharp. She spoke excellent spanish. Ruth was a keen advocate for animal rescue. She took particular delight in the comic strip peanuts. She was a familiar figure in the Coronado Cays, zipping along on her motorized scooter, in the company of her Shih Tzu's, Sammy and Kona.  Ruth was a wonderful friend, she had many, and they all drew strength from her fierce loyalty and great companionship. She had an affinity for strays, both the animal and people kind.

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Ruth Shirley Sherman was born in Detroit seventy four years ago to Oscar Sherman and Anna Leebove Sherman. She had four brothers and sisters, Bill, Larry, Betty and Arnold. She lived in both New York and St. Louis as a child. Ruth and Marv made their home in Southfield, Michigan. They moved to the west coast and Coronado in the early eighties, only to make the horrible discovery that she had contracted multiple sclerosis, a cruel disease that over activates the immune system and eviscerates the neural network. Researchers have found that M.S. somehow clustered in upper midwestern women from industrial cities in her demographic time and age group. The malady decimated the family finances but could never touch the love and loyalty they felt for each other and in my opinion actually strengthened the family bond. They came together as a family in the face of a nasty foe.

I met Ruth twenty one years ago. Leslie and I had our first date and let me be the first to admit that it didn't go really well. My future wife went home and asked her mother what she had been thinking to go out with such a son of a bitch? Her mother, who had barely met me, said that there was something about me that she felt was special and that she should give me one more chance. Well suffice it to say, I have had many more chances, and for that act of kindness on the part of her mother alone I am eternally grateful. Without her admonition, I wouldn't be with my wife today, the very definition of a soul mate. Sorry, honey.

Ruth was the toughest person I have ever met. I saw her over time going from an awkward gait walking up her stairs under her own power, to the loss of her legs, her body finally arriving at a point where she could only move one hand. It was only a matter of time before she lost all internal muscle control. The day was always coming. But it had been long delayed, while she endured a constant burden that would crush a normal mortal.

And yet this woman never lost her composure. She was always impeccably dressed, neat and perfectly presented. She was the epitome of dignity. She bore her fate with a strength that was so impressive. I never heard her once bemoan her fate and the terrible hand that she was destined to draw. Can you imagine being struck down at the height of your vitality and soldiering on with the grit and fortitude that Ruth showed every day?

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There are a lot of people that need to be acknowledged. Ruth could not have made it all these years without the love and devotion of her caretakers, Flor and Amelia. They are as broken right now as we are, and we all cried together at the hospital. I would like to thank Dr. Patrick Yassini, who had been her physician for the past 12 years and would care for her in her home. Ruth had many friends, too many to count, but I would like to mention a few core people that were instrumental in her life. Her brothers. Millie and Aunt Geri. Diana, Deena, Hanna. Paula. Gloria. Shooter. Howard and Carolyn. Annie and Lillian, who preceded her in death. Emil, wherever you are. We all were enriched by this brave and special woman.

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Many people have rotten things to say about their mother in laws. I never have and I never will. Because she was always so good to me. If my wife and I were having a beef, my mother in law would never take a side. Never once. She always played it straight down the middle. But she would not hesitate to challenge or correct me if my behavior was less than exemplary. I am going to miss the hell out of her and even more so will my wife. They had become not only mother and daughter but best of friends. The family bond was fierce. The Gellman family stand behind each other.

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Ruth leaves her son Andrew and Andrew's wife Nicole and their two children Jake and Brooke as well as my wife and I. And so many of you. We are going to have a private service at some time in the future. Please honor her memory with a contribution to the S.P.C.A. or the animal rescue of your choice. I am so lucky and honored to be her son in law and friend.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful tribute for a special woman. I only met her briefly but reading this gives me a bigger appreciation of Ruth. Her name means "friend" or "companion" and it sounds like she was great at both those things. I share one things with your mother in law as Ruth is my middle name. I actually teared up reading this as I was thinking of you and Leslie and how this is a sad time for you. You're both great friends too. -Bri

Anonymous said...

TO LESLIE,
J AND I ARE SORRY TO HEAR OF YOUR MOTHERS PASSING.
I WENT THRU THE SAME THING A FEW YEARS BACK. WORDS CANNOT CUT IT, WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU, SO I WON'T EVEN TRY.
YOU ARE A GOOD AND STRONG PERSON SO YOU WILL GET THRU THIS AND DRAW STRENGTH FROM IT. I DID, WHEN MY MOM PASSED AWAY. I HAD SUCH A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE WITH MY MOM AS YOU DID, I CAN REALLY RELATE.
I LOOK BACK AT MY MOM'S DEPARTURE AND MISS HER, BUT WE ALL HAVE TO LEAVE PLANET EARTH FOR OUR NEXT DESTINATION IN ETERNITY.

LOVE,
K & J

Anonymous said...

Robbie and Leslie,

Julia and I and our entire family share your grief, and mourn the passing of Ruth. We were privleged to know her, and your words are a testament to her character. We will be pleased to donate to the Ontario SPCA in her name, with the assurance that her love for animals will not be forgotten.
Buzz and Julia, Rachel,Zach and Jacob

Anonymous said...

Robert,

My condolences to you and Leslie. What a beautiful tribute you have written. My own Mother, also named Ruth, died in February this year and having goned through exactly the same kind of loss, I understand how you both must feel. We both know how hard it can be to address the loss of a parent.

My Best,

Doug

Anonymous said...

Dear Leslie and Robert
Retha and I only met Ruth once and we were immediately smitten by her dignity, charm and wonderful sense of humor. What a beautiful person and intelligent persona. It is our loss not to have known her better. Having recently experienced our own loss of a family member we can sympathize with your feelings and sense of loss. However, we also understand that even if prepared, one is never truly ready to make the hard decisions and endure the sorry that comes with their passing. Time will ease the sense of loss and the loneliness that follows, but the empty place within our hearts is never fully healed. Our spouse, friends and the joy of life make our sorrow more bearable and we fill those empty spaces with the best memories and celebrate the life that defied expectations. Our tears fall like rain as we think of you. Hugs R and D

Carrie Repking said...

Thank you so much for sharing your memories of Ruth in such a beautiful way. Any words I can say seem banal at this point, but know I'm sending love and peace out to both you and Leslie. I'm glad there is family you can be with through this. Namaste.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

That was a moving tribute to Ruth. I hope my kids and son in law and daughter in law, the in laws being spouses of different kids, say something like that about me. Memorial services can be a drag--I get the feeling that all the eulogists really want to talk about how much a friend they were of the deceased. Which is OK--because having friends is a measure of one's worth. And having a son in law who wants to write as you did is a measure of her worth.

Anonymous said...

...deepest condolences Rbt to Leslie, to you; Ruth was The Real Deal....

NH

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss . But relieved that her spirit is free and soaring at last . Please let Leslie know I am thinking of her . All my deepest sympathy for you both,R

Anonymous said...

great eulogy, whatever you lack at times in formal social interaction you more than excel in your written detail. It amazes me the nuances you capture on so many levels and think the ' medicine' you have given leslie's mom is on a far superior level than anyone could hope for. So very proud to be your friend, and am grieving with you both, love Brett

randyman said...

Robert,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are very fortunate to have so many good memories of Leslie's mother.

There is little one can say to address the experience you are both going through; please try to be gentle to yourselves in the days to come, as we rarely realize just how much energy we burn through during times of emotional stress.

Now is the time to put off for later everything that doesn't absolutely have to be done right now. Give yourselves a break, some serious downtime. Wishing you the best -

Randy (from RI)

Sanoguy said...

Very nice...very well said. Our best to you and Leslie!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Robert and Leslie,

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, your mother must have been a very special person.

I can relate, my aunt lived with M.S. for more than thirty years, spent the last ten in bed. What a complete drag.

Hang in...

Love,

K

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Dear Leslie and Robert:
Our sincere sympathy to you both. Your written words of Leslie's mom were moving indeed....Best Fred and Maggie

Anonymous said...

Leslie & Robert,
We were moved to read your memorial in the blast for Ruth. Sorry we never had the pleasure of meeting her. But knowing you Leslie, what a terrific, intelligent, creative person you are ... it all makes sense.
Having lost all of our parents except for Robert's mom, we know what a great loss it can be. But her spirit and energy will always live on within you and in your life. Surely, you always made her proud to be your mom.
un abrazo,
Irma, Robert & Rodrigo

Anonymous said...

What a lovely & moving tribute to Leslie's mom.
Please let me know if I can do anything to help you both thru this sad time.
XO,Kim

Anonymous said...

I was sorry to read about the death of your mother-in-law. It sounds like she was a lovely woman. I am sure she felt as lucky to have you in her life as you did hers. I lost both of my parents in the last couple of years and I know that whether we see it coming or not, it is a very difficult transition. I hope that you and Leslie are able to focus on the positive aspects of her life.

with our condolences,
Janice & Mike

Anonymous said...

Robert and Leslie,
We are sorry to hear of your mothers passing.
Robert's tribute is very sensitive and moving.
Through his words, we feel that we knew Ruth, and we share in your grieving. She sounds like a wonderful mom. We send our best thoughts to you.
Jim & Janis

Anonymous said...

To be loved by your son-in-law is a wonderful tribute. Helen

Anonymous said...

My condolences to you and Leslie. Sounds like a wonderful woman, glad you
had the opportunity to know who she was. Hugs across the airwaves to you
both.

Much love,

Michael B.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

I was away and just got the chance to read this.

I am so sorry that you and Leslie have lost mother-in-law/mother and a great friend. I can't imagine reading a lovelier tribute than you wrote, what a gift you have given everyone. It makes Ruth come alive and makes me so sorry not to have known her. How wonderful you had such a great woman in your life and as your mother-in-law, and how very sad that you and all have lost her and with the sense that there was so much more life she could have lived but for the rotten luck of getting MS.

I embrace you both,
Nora

Anonymous said...

My condolences to Leslie, to you, and to your family. It's not easy losing a parent, especially one you love so much.

Linda and Joseph

Anonymous said...

Robert and Leslie,

Please accept my condolences.

Igor K.

Anonymous said...

" Do not mourn that the Flame has been extinguished. Rejoice in remembering the Glow ! "

Hanna G.

Anonymous said...

My sympathies to you and Leslie in regard to your recent loss. T=No matter how long they are in our lives, the ones we love are never around long enough... Warm regards, Isak

Anonymous said...

I printed this back in 2011 and cane across it today. Oh my sweet Ruth, you truly touched my heart and I am so blessed to have our memories locked safely away in my heart. Thank you for sharing your light , my heart still feels its glow.