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Rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies © Robert Sommers 2017

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Best of the BLUE HERON BLAST


Going into a protracted work spell, I'm afraid it's time for reruns, kids. And sometimes I'll admit, I just crack myself up. I was looking at the feedjit feed last night and somebody landed on this one from way back in '09. I reread it and was captivated with my own brilliance. October 29, 2009. I had a few swell pieces that month, see A handshake and a pastrami sandwich. Or maybe, a family phantom. Good month.

My friend Shawn in Thailand was the first guy to respond to the Nigerian scam letters and I just took up where he left off. It's a two parter, stay with me.

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Untold Treasures

Got this email today and will see how it pans out. A chinese version of the old nigerian letter scam?  I encourage Blast readers to send in their own creative replies to these types of requests and I will post them.

你現可電郵給我:Giggs King@

- Dear,

I found your contact particulars in an E-mail address guide that was provided to us here, as I desperately needed an urgent help to do this deal. I hope my e-mail meets you well. I am in need of your assistance. My name is Capt. Gerrald Giggs King of the Engineering Unit of US Military here in Baghdad in Iraq; we have $15 Million US dollars that we want to move out of the country. My partners and I need a good partner out there, someone we can trust to receive the funds on our behalf. It is oil money and legal.

We have made arrangements with a Diplomatic Courier Service that will move the funds out of Iraq as a Family Treasures, also we have made arrangement to transfer the said fund through Bank of Baghdad depending on what you want.

The most important thing is; "Can We Trust you"? Once the funds get to you, simply take out 20% as your share and keep the remaining 80% for us.Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where the funds can be sent to, ours is sending it to you safely.

If you are interested I will furnish you with more details upon receipt of your response and contact details. But I can assure you the whole process is simple and we must keep a low profile at all times. I look forward to your reply and co-operation.
Best Regards,
Capt. Gerrald Giggs King.

Dear king, Hot damn. The whole thing just sounds too good to be true. I don't normally respond to this sort of thing but being as you're from the U.S. Army and all, I'm guessing you're okay. Fifteen million sounds like an awful lot of dough, Captain. I get 20%, you get 80%, who gets the last 10%?


I am still trying to make bail after the tire shop caper but don't want you to question my reliability whatsoever. We only can check our emails once a week at the prison but maybe I can cut the guards or trustees in for a piece since soon we will be swimming in the greenbacks. Anyway you can float me a couple hundred until the big payday? For smokes and some clean underwear?


This thing will be hush hush and on the QT. You probably hear this a lot and I don't want you to think I am making fun of you, but your "gig" is safe with me, Captain Giggs. Semper Fi. I am confident that you picked the right fellow. How in the hell did you find me anyway?

Yours,


#72984109
Calipatria State Prison

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From the good captain...

My ongoing correspondence with the Nigerian/Chinese letter scam people:

Dear Good friend,

I am happy to read from you. I am very honest to you and you can be of help to us. I need your understanding in order to make use of this money here. You can recieve this money in your country or neigbouring country freely without any problem, The diplomat will deliver the box to your door step address, because the diplomat cannot be searched. The diplomat will not even know it is money the box contained. I need your help because I want to resign from the US military immediately you recieved the box. I am serious and cannot disappoint you. I want to assure you that all dealings must be transparent and legitimate. I can never involve you in any illegal activities, okay.

I need to know
=Your address
= Your Telephone
=Your Age
=Full legal name
=Your Occupation

I understood that you are currently serving in the State prison. Do you have anybody at home whom you can order to receive this consignment on your behalf and keep it safe until you are out. How long are you going to serve there? I need to know because this matter require perfect and urgent attendance, which does not require delays. But if you are capable of handling every process in this matter, we shall confide our trust in you. Let us know in details.

Waiting to hear from you so that the box will be delivered to you. 

Best Regards,
Capt. Gerrald Giggs King.

Whoohoo Captain! Or can I call you "cap" since we are practically partners now?  Like I mentioned, I am not going to lie to you. I am in the big house. I ain't gonna see sunlight for another 15 or 20 easy. And that's if I don't stick nobody else. The last guy had it coming. NEVER touch another man's chow plate, Never! He's breathing through gills now he never knew he had, get my meaning?


Getting somebody outside to pick up the dough might be a touch problematical. I aint gonna lie to you. When we hit the tire shop, well just say the rubber hit the road. Lula got excited and you know how women get when they get excited, don't you Cap? It wasn't her fault - I mean the tire iron was right there. I knew the bitch was strong but I didn't know she was that strong, you know what I mean Cap? That poor guy, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time but with you being in Iraq or Iran, where did you say you was, I don't have to tell you? The floor of the garage was covered with blood and the poor guy's chiclets. And lots of grease. Mechanics are just plain pigs these days.


We sort of drifted around in the plymouth - Salinas, Mendota, Arvin, Central Valley. You meet a better class of folks. People still take the time to say hello, know what I mean Cap? My kid brother is in Clovis and he can meet you at Ray's Liquor for the drop. Do you got a phone number he can contact you with?


As for my name, it's Lawrence B. Melvin. I am 49. The B stands for Beauregard. The screws don't need to know about our arrangement. Get my drift? Somebody could get hurt.


With Love,


Larry
#72984109


Calipatria State Prison

2 comments:

Sanoguy said...

So, did they complete the deal??? Great tale!

Blue Heron said...

Unfortunately, this was the end of our short correspondence.