© Robert Sommers 2018

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Irreconcilable Differences

All right America, let's be honest, we have a real problem here. We've tried counseling. We've had a face to face meet. Smoked the peace pipe. Let the lawyers go at it. Separation. Marriage Encounter™. Date Night. Numerous sit downs. Let's face it. The spark is gone and this marriage is over. Let's divvy this bad boy up and go our separate ways. Remain friends and wish each other the best. Truly.

Shouldn't be that hard. You can have first pick, may I suggest Arizona? We have more illegals in California by far but do you see us going all Johnny Ringo and strapping up heat to vanquish the bad guys? No way. But scientists have studied the effects of intense dryness and weather on the human organism and there are some folks that take to it and besides you've got the whole birther thing and men marrying horses and green bologna and all and it might be where you want to plant your Capitol Flag. But we get Flagstaff. We can gerrymand, cool? You can visit Disneyland if we get reciprocal privileges at the Grand Canyon.

We take Oregon. Doesn't get much hipper than Eugene. Cascades and clear streams. Earth Mothers. Beer.

Not to keep putting words in your mouth but you might consider South Carolina. I know you told the therapist that I always do that. You've got a fun loving governor there, a lieutenant guvnah that thinks that many of his constituents are just plain lazy. Weird ass vinegar barbecue. Metrosexual Senator with game. Bible Heaven. Confederates.

We get Hawaii. Charlie don't surf and neither do many republicans this side of David Hasselhoff. Lava Flows. Pahoa Wowie. Mama's Fish.

Please kick it around and get back to me. If we go to the mattresses you know the lawyers will get all the money. We really had something there for a while but hey, it just didn't work out. You get Texas too.