Jelly, jelly so fine

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sommers Bible Study

I was writing the other day about judging others and recited some biblical verse I vaguely remembered about "coming as a witness and not as a judge" and Grumpy called me on it. Wasn't familiar with it but said that it might have been John the Baptist. I pulled the Ryrie Study Bible off the shelf and went hunting and guess what - it doesn't exist. Could not find any scripture even close. And I thought "but it sounded so damn good - gee maybe I have a talent for this" - swear I read it somewhere...

Anyway my fingers started wandering through the Colossians and John and in the natural right to left direction ended up in Leviticus or some such place and I read a passage where a biblical law is set forth that you can't grow two different kinds of seeds in a field. And I thought holy heck, not wanting to blaspheme in front of the good book, gardeners everywhere are screwed! And crop rotation has proven so good for the soil. Drat!

Then I read where you can't, according to biblical precepts, mix wool and linen in clothing and thought "there goes the garment industry, too".

I started reading about the kind of lawbreaking that could get you stoned and not in a good way, and thought "these damn hebrews sure are a bloodthirsty lot." And lets not even go into "spilling one's seed upon the ground" because if its punishable by death this earth is going to be one lonely place.

The rules are set forth thusly:

The Torah of the Jews, which is contained in the Old Testament of the Christian Bible and as such serves as a common religious reference, prescribes death by stoning for a long series of offenses, namely:

* Touching Mount Sinai while God was giving Moses the Ten Commandments (Exodus 19:13)
* An ox that gores someone to death should be stoned (Exodus 21:28)
* Breaking the Shabbat (Numbers 15:32-36)
* Giving one's "seed" (presumably one's offspring) "to Molech" (Leviticus 20:2-5)
* Having a "familiar spirit" (or being a necromancer) or being a "wizard" (Lev. 20:27)
* Cursing God (Lev. 24:10-16)
* Engaging in idolatry (Deuteronomy 17:2-7) or seducing others to do so (Deut. 13:7-12)
* "Rebellion" against parents (Deut. 21,21)
* Getting married as though a virgin, when not a virgin (Deut. 22:13-21)
* Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman engaged to another man (both should be stoned, Deut. 22:23-24)


The Mishna gives the following list of persons who should be stoned (Sanhedrin Chapter 7, p. 53a [2])

* A man who has sexual intercourse with one of the following (see Lev. 20, which however does not specify the form of execution):

his mother
his father's wife
his daughter-in-law
another man
an animal ("bestiality")

* A woman who allows an animal to have sexual intercourse with her
* A blasphemer
* An idolater
* One who gives his seed to Molech
* A necromancer or wizard
* One who desecrates the sabbath
* One who curses his father and mother
* One who has sexual intercourse with a betrothed maiden
* One who incites or instigates (toward idolatry)
* A sorcerer
* A wayward and rebellious son

Some of the other rules with harsh punishment were also edifying. If your wife or girlfriend tries to help you in a fight, if you want to be old testament square, you must cut her hand off. Yes it will hurt, but take comfort in your obeisance to the almighty. There will be major points in the hereafter.

By the way, we know that eating shrimp and Oysters Rockefeller is forbidden, but did you know that eating locusts is not only permitted but an old testament delicacy. Yuck!

And don't let cattle graze with other kinds of cattle (Leviticus 19:19)

People who have flat noses, or are blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God (Leviticus 21:17-18)

Anyone who dreams or prophesizes anything that is against God, or anyone who tries to turn you from God, is to be put to death. (Deuteronomy 13:5)

If anyone, even your own family suggests worshipping another God, kill them. (Deuteronomy 13:6-10)

If you find out a city worships a different god, destroy the city and kill all of it's inhabitants... even the animals. (Deuteronomy 13:12-15)

Kill anyone with a different religion. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

God commanded his people to observe three annual festivals — and they weren’t Easter, Labor Day and Christmas (Exodus 23:14). They were the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the Festival of Harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering (verses 15-16). He commanded all men to appear before him at a designated site in the Promised Land (Deuteronomy 16:16). He told his people to make shelters out of tree branches and live in them for a week (Leviticus 23:39-43).

Do not mate different kinds of animals. Now what kind of sickos started trying these experiments?

Anyway all I can say is it's a good thing that Jesus came along because these people were way too tough and put the capitol G in guilt.

I talked to my brother in Spokane yesterday and he said that I was starting to sound like a republican, which really does worry me, and that my blog was okay but a little too zionist. And I don't know where that came from. But I will surely watch both behavior patterns carefully in the future. And try not to judge. I'm slightly dyslexic, dog is my witness.


Anonymous said...

There is still hope for you my heathen friend.

grumpy said...

relax, Christ freed us from the law...

Blue Heron said...

whew, I feel better...

grumpy said...

indeed Christ taught us not to judge others lest we ourselves be judged (Matthew 7:1), furthermore John 1:6-10 states that John (refering to John the Baptizer) came as a witness to the light(meaning Jesus), so i believe you were mixing those two bits of Scripture, rather creatively actually, well done..

grumpy said...

i just noticed the Bill Gates quote, about religion being a misalloction of "time resources" on a Sunday, i suppose watching endless pro football games (the real national religion) on Sunday is time well spent? to be fair, though, through his philanthropy Bill & Melinda are doing the Lord's work i feel...

Blue Heron said...

To be really crass - Charlie Manson probably thought he was being similarly directed... or the guy with the shopping cart in front of Major Market. Everybody just doing the lord's work. Did you see that Jim (lets all go down to Guyana and drink the sweetened tang like beverage) Jones' grandson is now playing basketball at San Diego State. Somebody who was lucky enough to have survived religion.

grumpy said...

really crass indeed, my friend..."i got nothin' to say, 'specially 'bout whatever was.."