Egret and crab

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Shut yo mouf

If you ask me, and admittedly no one has, the President of the United States has a bit of an image problem. Our greatest presidents since day one have been old generals or war heroes and Barack just doesn't have that macho swagger. I think that it makes him hard to relate to for most average white guys.

The fairly ineffectual president George Bush could stand on a carrier declaring mission accomplished doing his best Clint Eastwood impression and the country just ate it up. Make my day, hombre. Barack offs Osama Bin Laden on his watch and gets zero street cred. Unfortunately he looks like a guy more comfortable on a squash court than somebody you would want watching your back in a barroom brawl. He frankly seems a little bit soft.

He tried the macho thing a few months ago when he warned the world that he didn't bluff but it didn't exactly resonate. I'm not saying he is a pussy on the level of Jimmy Carter but he reinforces the image of the democrats as people who drink tea with their little fingers aloft in the air.

Maybe it has something to do with the company he keeps. I am nursing a bad cold this weekend. Laying on the couch in the midst of my suffering I told my wife that Anna had just offered me a chance to have dinner with Barry and Michelle. "Anna who?" "Anna Wintour," I said in my most casual voice. "The editor of Vogue wants to have dinner with you?""Well, not just me, Sarah Jessica Parker will probably stop by, you know how she is." I showed her the gmail. 

Robert --

I am thrilled and honored to be co-hosting an event with the President and the First Lady at Sarah Jessica Parker's home on June 14th.

And I'm happy to have the chance to extend an invitation to you as well.

Enter for the chance to join us, along with a guest of your choosing:


After dinner, you'll join the President and the First Lady for a private Mariah Carey concert.

Pretty fabulous. I wouldn't miss this opportunity.

Hope to see you soon,

Anna Wintour

Now I don't think I could exactly fit it in to my schedule, what could we really talk about, the problems he has driving to his right on the basketball court? Reminisce about the good old days on the business end of a bong?  I know that Mariah Carey is really popular and all but I must confess her music does absolutely nothing for me. If ever there was a gathering of the Hollywood elite, it is this confab, even if we are actually talking Manhattan or possibly East Hampton. These are not my people. I blanche at the thought of watching another Sex in the City rerun. That's the problem, his base is clubby and chummy and all but a lot of us normal folks don't really fit in. Won't play in Peoria.

Americans want a John Wayne type running the show. A little grit and swagger. No matter how stupid he or she may actually be. Although Barack is of mixed race, we never get to see the ghetto street tough. Richard Roundtree. Doesn't every black dude, however milktoast, have one lurking deep inside?


Who's the black president
whose hoop skills are so excellent?
Damn straight

Who is the man
That would risk his neck for his brother man?
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about
Right on

You see this cat Barry is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Barack
(Then we can dig it)

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but his woman*

* and Saul Alinsky

So that would be my advice to this president, if he would ever stoop so low as to ask advice from a common, uneducated, blogging, art dealer. Find the floor length fox coat with the broad lapel, if you don't have one you can borrow one from Clyde Frazier. Pull the platforms out of the closet. Call up Vladimir and say "Holmes, you got five seconds to get your sorry butt on board with Syria or I am going to lay some evil whoopass on your creepy Volga skull. You know what I'm talking about." The American public could relate to you for once and we would be probably quicker on our way to achieving world peace.

Think about it, Barry,

Your friend, 
Robert Sommers


Anonymous said...

I think you may have violated the DHS verbal curfew with that post.

randyman said...

You know, if they actually recorded "Shaft" with your lyrics, and used it as their campaign theme, the election would be in the bag for Barry by July.

I'm serious.

Anonymous said...

While you are sick or after read Shantaram by Gregory david Roberts.
I think you might enjoy. Epic weight.
Deli guy.

Blue Heron said...

Read it, loved it. You might enjoy Shadow of the wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Try it.

Anonymous said...

Hay Robert, I read Shadow of the Wind. Great book. Beth

Anonymous said...

Robert --

Barack is so grateful to everyone who's got his back out there -- he'd sit down with each of you and thank you personally if he could.

So I know he's looking forward to the dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker's house next week in New York, and meeting a few grassroots supporters like you.

Any donation you make before midnight to support Barack automatically enters you to join us -- airfare and hotel included -- along with whoever you'd like to bring:


Whether you choose to enter or not, thank you so much for all you're doing out there.

- Michelle

P.S. -- After dinner, you and your guest are invited to join us at a private concert with Mariah Carey.

Anonymous said...

Second prize is a weekend at camp david with the mother in law and the fugly dog.. youré gonna get in trouble for stealing that melody. buzz

Anonymous said...

Read shadow too great book. Try
The book of flying by Keith miller
Crazy good writing.
Captain Dom.

Anonymous said...

Nothing more disgusting than liberals quoting quazi intellectual literature. This country is being run on liberal mis-quotes from left wingers and fabricated right wing lies. No matter what Obama does or does not do liberals will always pacify their ideas with drippy political novels containing half truths and self serving agendas. Meanwhile the conservatives spend millions of Pac bux on the GOP class warfare on the American middleclass with neo info magazines and fake radio stations and propaganda Fox TV. It's easy to sell cake and cookies to the uninformed.
Truth of the matter; Obama has tried to be a good guy in the middle of that crooked road and missed his mark.
Maybe the left should spend a little less time in political dreamland and wake up.

Blue Heron said...

Wake up to what? To the fact that the President was outfoxed at every turn by a GOP who accepted his equivocation at every turn and gave him nothing for it?

We are supposed to cheer for a guy who forgot every campaign promise he ever made, from the patriot act to getting us out of the Iraq/Afghanistan debacle and then tried to outrepublican the republicans?

We better start looking at policy and forget politics and parties and personalities. But you are right. He missed his mark. And the alternative was and is probably worse still.

If you don't want to hear about what people are reading, then piss off and find another blog to read, whoever you are, you won't be missed.