My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Telling a person to calm down is about the same as baptizing a cat.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
I thought growing old would take longer.
Went shopping while hungry – now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.
When you can't find the sunshine ... be the sunshine.
I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom-highlights.
I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!
Hold on while I overthink this.
My spouse says I have two faults. I don't listen and...something else.
Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.
"dammit I'm mad" is "dammit I'm mad" spelled backward. (You will have to work a bit for this to make sense)
One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.