Jelly, jelly so fine

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Hit the ground running...

Damn, it feels better already. 2018. I had to write checks today (a day late mind you but what are you going to do?) and there was no hesitation moving on to the new date like there is some years. We've hit bottom, now the universe is ready for the big bounce.

The weekend was pretty chill. Kent and I went to the basketball game Saturday night, after a stop at Tommy's for a chili cheeseburger for good luck. The San Diego State Aztecs led the game the whole way, played pretty well. Burger was, of course, superb.

Kent had something going the next day and I was supposed to bring him back in one piece. Truth be told, he got married on Sunday. I thought about kidnapping him and taking him to Tijuana, maybe Club Bambi, let the tranny hookers have a go at the groom to be but I decided to be nice.

We ended up hitting two or three bars, okay three bars, on the way home, vodka segued to irish whiskey, all quite nicely. Ended up at Urge up in O'side, quite a selection, sampled both red breast and green spot. Favored the piquant nature of the former. They told me they had a top shelf whiskey, Boss Hog, that would set you back a little over a hundred bucks a shot but I don't think I could enjoy whiskey that much. Maybe a hit of acid I could get a c-notes worth of satisfaction out of, but those days are long behind me. I can afford a cheap whiskey buzz and be quite happy with it.

Anyway we had a nice time, I felt like it was the right thing to do. Kent has been my basketball buddy for a long time or at least until his bride to be decided she really liked basketball and I got relegated to the bench. I really should have taken him to TJ, come to think of it.

New Years Eve was mellow, first time in 28 years we have stayed home by ourselves. Leslie brought copious amounts of sushi home from our favorite place in Temecula, Hana. We played cards and dice and stayed up through the proper hour. We used to have quite the social scene but it has been decimated by attrition and a variety of other factors, not the least of which is my current reluctance to fraternize with humans.

Had a couple nice stops yesterday, two different families from Chicago. Today I hit the new year running, ready to make it happen. I even have a New Year's resolution. My resolution is to cancel my gym membership, haven't gone in a year and the guilt isn't good for me.

I had an idea a few months ago for my new cause celebre. Vlad told me it was brilliant and to sit on it and let it gestate but I think the city of Encinitas has beat me to it so I need to spill.

When Leslie and I go out to a restaurant we never order straws. They give you wrinkles, end up polluting the ocean and landfills and are pretty much totally unnecessary. Hey if you are sick in bed and need a bend in a straw because your jaw is wired shut we can give you one and relent. But you get just one and you have to reuse it.

Basically, as the girls at the Main Street Cafe now know by heart, Straws are for lazy Americans and I would rather drink from a glass than have a plastic cylinder end up in some turtle's ass out in the seven seas.

And I even have a sweet little title for my upcoming straw extermination campaign.

Straws Suck.

What do you think? Catchy, no...

We use 500 million plastic straws daily in America, at least according to what I have read.

How stupid.

The other thing I wanted to take up in the inchoate annum is that somewhere along in the last couple years, the fat ass got really popular. Maybe it was J-lo, maybe that Kardashian broad but lots of women are sporting these giant posteriors with immense pride.

Now I want to be honest, I am a boob man and the ginormous butt thing is pretty much lost on me. Don't get me wrong, I will fight for your rights to a big butt 'til death. But if you don't mind me sayin', you don't really need to show it off in spandex. It is not a great look, akin to two hundred lbs. of potatoes fighting it out in a hundred lb. sack.

Now I know what you are thinking, Mr. Sommers, let's talk about your fat gut. Fair enough. But I am not parading the thing around in spandex like a Macy's Parade Float. It is mostly hidden underneath the Hawaiian shirt du jour. I am not rocking any neoprene tube top.

heaven or hell?
I see these selfies on Google + and it is obvious that I am in the minority here on the big ass issue. There has been a sea change in society's view of the derriere department, the butt is back on top in a way not seen or celebrated since Mr. Rubens first picked up his paint brush.

I recently tried to organize a few of my photographer homies into a recon operation into the belly of the Spandex beast, a trip to Walmart, but none of them had the guts to go.

Might have to do it alone, take a solo trip to ground zero of spandaded cellulite heaven. If I don't come back, please send help.

As my wonderful readers know, I have a wide taste in music. Pretty much everything this side of Polka and banda is okay by me. Except of course, for Billy Joel. I never liked the guy, music is okay when not totally grating but he seems like such an a-hole. Watched the movie Hired Gun the other night on Netflix. Guess what? He's an even bigger douchebag than I thought.

I first encountered his downright shittiness as a human being when he ordered a bike on Orange County Choppers and sniveled like a big piano man puss when he got it. But when you see how he treats his band in this movie you will want to vomit all over him.

The movie itself is quite interesting, if you can handle all the horrible heavy metal music. The singer from Filter, Richard Patrick, actually vies with Mr. Joel for the title of biggest schmuck. It's your call.

Oh ya, Happy New Year.


Sanoguy said...

Happy NY, BH and Mrs. BH!

I can’t go for the big butt thing either. Give me a couple of great boobs and I am in heaven!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but that photo is just WRONG! You do make a very good point about our society though. OBD (oversized butt disorder) was once considered unattractive. Now for some reason, it has become the new norm - even something that people pay for, with expensive and painful cosmetic implants. Fine. If it turns people on, I have no issue with it. I'm as kinky as the next guy, but if severe facial acne becomes the "new sexy", count me out.

Anonymous said...

I know that there are high end bathroom fixtures for such thngs, but for a person of modest means, how does one clean themselves with a such a large derriere?

Anonymous said...

/\ Just get the powerwasher out on the side of the trailer.