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Jelly, jelly so fine

Friday, March 1, 2024

Booty Call

I need to buy new jeans. 

As my stomach grows like a prairie fire over the hot Texas panhandle, my ass seems to be receding in inverse proportion, in fact it has darn near disappeared. 

It is a tough conundrum, and honestly I am spending a lot of time pulling my pants up to the latitude line that marks my massive equatorial girth. 

Not my fault I have no ass, of course. It was shot off in the war but I don't like to talk about it much and it will be a story for another day. Well, actually that is a lie. 

Come to think about it, my pop didn't have much of a butt either so I guess I can blame him. But, like I said,  I really don't want to talk about it.

I never paid my booty deficiency much mind, honestly never really cared about my inferior posterior.

But since Beyonce, Kardashian and J-Lo, the big butt has become like hot currency in our culture and I hate not measuring up with my paltry butt cheeks.

I have been researching the flat ass phenomenon and see that there are a lot of self help groups and fix it plans for those of us genetically disadvantaged folks with a measly gluteus.

But I have sat on these vertical haunches for so long I might as well learn to live with them at this point, in fact I have kind of got used to them. No butt implants for this guy.

I was thinking about the problem this morning and came up with an idea. No Ass Jeans. For aging boomers without a bottom. I believe that they will be a big hit. Turn my bottom round deficiency into a positive. It's a gas to have no ass, feel the passion in my meager rear fashion. I'll always carry the torch for my dwindling rear porch.  No? I'll work on it.

3 comments:

Liz said...

I have never had much of a butt. Huge belly, but we have always looked a lot alike

Diane O said...

My dear departed husband had the same problem. Never very big, in his 60s his bottom almost entirely disappeared. He used suspenders by that time and those became a sort of trademark for him along with his bow tie. I guess it's a man thing.

Lena said...

Hilarious… as long as your proportional protuberances continue to balance out and you don’t topple forward I guess you’ll be OK…
I think you are on to something with No Ass Jeans! You all need a few tucks on the backside…