Black crowned night heron © Robert Sommers 2023

Saturday, October 17, 2009

talk dirty to me...

Kerry always says that I get the most lively repartee when I discuss sex and religion. Pictured is a blanket that my mailman's late travel agent wife purchased once upon a time in Ecuador. He gave it to me to protect the tender eyes of his grandchildren. My friend Bri was visiting and saw that I had it up on the wall of my bathroom at work and asked if she could take a picture. Pillowy coitus in all the positions of the rainbow.

We were discussing a fellow in town who is married but who we are pretty sure is gay. I mentioned that the street vernacular for such an arrangement is to have a "beard". Read about the origin of the term here on wikipedia.  Anyhow beards seem to come in familiar flavors, often dowdy, matronly type women who can provide grandma's warmth and comfort or something. But not necessarily titillate the outer extremities. Understand, this is just my unscientific deduction talking.

It says in the article that people can become unwitting beards as well. Sexuality is such a complex topic. I have always been attracted to lesbians and super strong women, what does that say about my convoluted psyche?

The guys at the coffee shop were kibitzing about sex the other day and someone mentioned that men-o-pause in their house had shifted into men-o-deadstop. Twenty something Brian mentioned that one of his friends had a wife who would only have sex with him once a week and he would never want to live like that.  All of the older fellas in the room gave him a look of jealous hatred that could burn through steel.

The current rage is cougars, and cougermen, aged sexual dynamos who must stave off their growling libidos with younger partners who can keep up with their churning heat and passion. It reminds me of that joke where a young woman pops out of the guy's closet at the old folks home wearing nothing but a cape. "Supersex", she loudly exclaims. The old codger thinks for a second and says, "I'll take the soup."

Older women take young mates seemingly to reaffirm their youth and vigor and attractiveness. Older men take younger girls so they can schtup without having to bother to carry on an intelligent conversation or to turn off the ball game. Another ornament that can be purchased and that maybe won't nag so much.

The average male thinks of having his way with some new sexual quarry approximately 11 times an hour, which works out to 2,846,933,518,554 times in the average life span. Don't know about the womenfolk. The ardor seems to cool a bit with time. Thank god.  There is something refreshingly human about looking at people as people and not as potential play partners. Opens up whole new vistas.

I have been a faithful husband for 29 years, through two marriages. Tempted but never strayed.  Because once you cross that line, it's impossible to make a graceful return.  And my wife and I don't have a progressive "arrangement".  I am so guilt ridden anyway I'd be sure to spill.

Got a transvestite retailer in town - pretty much old news.  Shopped with my wife for years.  Wears his brassiere under his t-shirt. Happily married. Straight.  Used to coach the youth hockey team. Takes all kinds.

I hear tell the young girls around here are pretty active sexually, although supposedly anal and oral don't qualify as sex anymore. I heard that lipstick parties are in vogue and I wont belabor the sordid carnal details.  I am glad that I sowed my oats at a time when a shot of penicillin would pretty much cure all that could ail you, now it's a gamble every time. You are making love to every person that person has ever made love to and you know what a foul bunch we humans are.

So I raise a toast to my peers and couples who are managing to still find time to couple. Keep it up.

I heard a different cut from Lucille Bogan on satellite radio the other day on Lou Reed's show that was equally dirty and hilarious. I had never heard of her before - be sure to give it a listen.


Sanguy said...

Keep up the sex talk... hold the religion!!!

Blue Heron said...

Alright Mike - more sex, coming right up!

Sanoguy said...

.... and for those reading these comments, I am not the one with the beard!!!!!

Blue Heron said...

Sure you're not, Sano...