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Hawk on a wire © Robert Sommers 2022

Saturday, March 12, 2022

3/12/22

It would be too strong a characterization to say that I am in the midst of a depression, I am not. But there is a gnawing feeling inside that something is not quite right in my world, and I am not sure if a cure even exists for this existential maw. 

I am two or three months behind on projects, I work every day and try to be productive but am not making any significant progress. I have overspent on a few purchases that may ultimately prove foolish and wonder if I will be sweating soon if I don't produce some significant revenue. Have my bait in the water, but that does not always guarantee a bite and nothing wants to bite if the world totally goes to shit.

Russia has invaded the Ukraine and a significant amount of my countrymen are backing Putin. This is making me quite ill. Inflation is up and it now takes a fortune to gas up the car. Saudis said that they would fill the void on Russian oil but we would have to quash the Kashoggi investigation first. Great friends. Could the problems in Eastern Europe reverberate enough to crash the entire world economy? Possibly, especially if nuclear weapons are part of the equation or if China sensed it was the time to strike its own adversaries while we are conveniently indisposed.

A close friend announced that he is selling everything and moving to Mexico. Another associate says that he only sees two or three more years for our livelihood. Everybody is talking exit strategies. I still enjoy my job. Will I be the last man standing?

An old love who was very important to me in my life told me that she was on full time oxygen about a month ago and in very bad shape. Now the communication lines are dead. Is she still alive and how would I know if she had passed? Just heard about a fellow merchant that died a year ago, I had no clue, people can slip off the stage so quickly, with hardly a sound, without any notice.

Drank whiskey the other day with a doctor who is now in hospice with pulmonary problems of his own. We laugh together and try to keep things light. Life is but a dream.

We went to a party a few weeks ago and a woman I had never met before took the trouble of telling me that I was an asshole who didn't treat women right. She was a friend of one of my wife's friends and said that everybody knew that I was a dick because I wouldn't take my wife out to wineries to listen to music. 

Two things I do not care for are crowds of people and crowds of people drinking, it always seems like stupidity has a way of concurrently running rampant, mix in music that sounds like bad doobie brother covers and it's definitely not my shtick but whatever. I guess I am a dick. 

Not hard to figure out who your real friends are. Hope to pull my head out soon.