Blue Heron in flight

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Skinned for posterity

I had to go to Walmart this morning to pick up some bubble wrap. Like it or not, Walmart is a great spot to take stock of the human condition. Ground zero.

Actually had a great salesperson and didn't see too much to sear the retinas, it is what it is. Unvarnished.

But looking at all the plastic and rubber and cheap Chinese crap, I got to thinking about just how I fit into the whole picture? To think I used to write about and sell fine silver. Way out. Never coming back. Artwork and antiques? We have been down that road before, not this current generation anyway.

You can go down the list yourself, you know this one by heart if you read me regularly.

And I'm thinking, the millennials really don't buy much of anything besides disposable electronics, vaping pens and tattoos, how do I function and thrive in this brave new world of ours?

And then it hit me. Tattoos. It was right under my nose the whole time. Some of these people are spending a literal fortune decorating their epidermis, why should their loved ones be deprived of their masterworks after their eventual passing?

We take a note from Ed Gein and merely perfect our skinning and tanning technique. Stretch them and frame them. And enjoy our dearly departed for ever, or at least until they really start to smell!

You miss Uncle Albert's giant battleship tattoo on his chest? Or Crazy Larry's spiderweb and SS elbow?

We at Blue Heron Taxidermy™ will send them home with you so you can view them hanging on the wall right next to the wide screen. Skinned and stretched in the time it takes to see a preview and a matinee.

I saw what is maybe the third full face tattoo I have seen in Fallbrook the other day. What a great idea and investment that is. Nothing screams proclaiming your own individuality like covering your entire face with indelible ink.

And I'm thinking "what a pity that one day all this beauty and creativity will go to waste." But it doesn't have to.

No-sir-ee. Blue Heron Head Mounts.™ Keep your loved ones close and at hand long after they expire or are one day maybe unfortunately shanked in their holding cell.

During the holidays you can put funny hats on them and put cigars in their mouths like we used to do with the big antlered guy at the Moose Lodge.

I really think I am on to something here. And if you think that I am just jealous because I am too scared to get a whole face number myself, well you are right.


Jon Harwood said...

Why will I not be surprised when certain millennials and Gen Z folks read this proposal, love it and then get wills written to have their heads mounted on plaques post mortem. It seems to fit into the overall tattoo aesthetic, so why not? If you need a portable relative you can consult with the head shrinkers that are still in business. He is looking good! "Every day in every way it's getting better and better!"

Blue Heron said...

Watch it happen, Jon...

Anonymous said...

Hi Robert,
I like the idea of individuals preserving their tattoo, however not with framing the flesh that there on. Rather why not consider having a professional photo made of it (by you of course) when it's in all of its glory and with the appropriate mating and framing. Maybe consider a "Monthly Saturday Photo" session in the Village Square or some other venue. It certainly works for photos with Santa perhaps it will with "Tattoo Preservation" as well.
Just a thought. Michael

Blue Heron said...

Reminds me of the story of the woman who confided that when she was young she had a little rose bud tattooed on her chest, Now, she says, it's a long stem rose.


North County Film Club said...

Great idea!!!